Fading lights

 
I pump my legs
harder faster
i want them to hurt
slightly intoxicated
somewhat enlightened
i reminisce
i observe places
paths walked
thinking about
conversations had
it was the best time of my life
the happiest too
its over
it is now cemented
as i go down these paths
the more i recollect
the more it hurts
the pain feels like the worst i felt
but its the best
i want it to hurt more
i want it to all stop
i go closer
in to the light
i dont wanna listen
to the same tired words
telling me about my youth
my inexperience
i dont care for any of it
if this is what life turns to
i dont want it
i recollect more
this time
mistakes
i regret every one
i will not lie
i will not act tough
i regret every single mistake i made
since that one faithful date
0 people will understand
2 words i just wanna hear
2 people that i felt were fate
7 lights just keep coming
0 chances ive been told
8 ways i just want to end it all
if only i could go back and change every thing
as i ride further the lights
become larger
i hear a screech
and it all fades to black
 

Tired of falling

I'm tired if this
I'm just so tired
I'm tired of feeling alone
Feeling sad 
Crying by myself
Holding my self
Feeling like I'm falling falling falling
And no one is there to catch me
Like I'm slowly dying 
Like I should end it quick make it painless 
I remember being happy 
I wish I was happy 
I wish I felt warm
I felt secure I felt important again
I don't know if it will ever come
I wish it could be all simple 
Flip a switch, push a button 
All is fixed 
But it's not 
I know that's too easy
All I want right now is not another go
Another chance 
I want to know that I'm not hated so much that I'm non existent 
That I may be a chance again one day
But right now all I want to be at least is a friend
A friend with benefits would be nice 
But a friend would do just fine
I want a friend to hold me
Tell me it's ok 
To tell me that I'll be happy again
To catch me from falling
I don't want to keep falling 
I fear hitting the ground
And I don't know how much longer I'll be falling

What I need

I know it's not perfect
I know I'm not the man you want me to be
I know our relationship is rough at times
I know I make you wanna give up
I rather be with you
A interesting woman that I love
Than some one I don't
I believe there is only one true love in a persons life
I find myself lucky that I found you so early
I know we are meant to be
Even with my flaws
I know I have broken your heart
hurt you many times before
I know you don't believe me when I claim to change
I know that I have driven you away with my near insanity
But I love you
It's so hard for me to just give up or stop
I know you need this space to recover
But my brash actions got the best of me
I couldn't leave you alone
I lied to you
I hid from you
And most of all I hurt you
I have done all those to the point where you don't want to try
I understand
But I still want to try I don't want to give up
You are my one and only
If you leave I will save myself for you
I will try to change for you even if your gone
So if you do come back maybe I can finally be the man you want me to be

Because that's who I want to be

Hoping not to be alone

Here I lay
Alone in my bed
Aching for my companion
Fears spread in my mind
My worst fears my come true
To wake up everyday alone
To have no one to wake with
No one to sleep with
No one to laugh with
Make love with
Or even live with

The need is primal
But the mate I want isn't normal
She is my dreams manifested
Some days when I wake
I see her there
Next to me
And then I can't believe this gift
That the woman from those dreams are there

The only thing any human could want
The perfect companion always there
Always hoping that the love never dies

I hope for my life she's always there

Lies

Lies

Lies are never alone
They travel in packs

Once one is told many arise
If it is by will or not they simply appear

They all cling together
Forming a shallow web

They all fight together
For one common cause

They fight to ruin lives
Be mindful of words spoken

Resolving them isn't easy
Even truth seems like lies

It becomes hard to tell the difference
From fiction and fact

No matter how hard you try
Once you start

Even when you think of the truth
You still speak lies

By turn and turn
Mistake and mistake

You try so hard
But it seems so futile

Only when the web is gone
Can you return to those once more

But even then all around
Those whom got caught

Take your words with doubt

And Relapse comes too easy with doubt

Changes

It's a different day different time
As days go by things change
It's something I know
Seasons change
Friends change
and feelings change
It's something
I all understand
Even in a year a lot can change

It's strange but after 3 years something has never changed
My feelings towards a woman
No mater what happened I still love her
And no matter what will happen I will still love her
It will remain a constant in my life
I know this as not thought by law of my mind

She is a perfect being
One of which I consider my perfect mate
One of perfect mental prosperity
One of perfect physical form
And one of which my soul can bond to
A soul mate if you will

The prosperity I know with her is the happiest I have ever been

But I changed her
I have hurt her
I took the trust she built with me and shattered it

I changed her love for me
I broke the bond between us
And now I pay for the misfortunes I brought

What was once something we felt so strong now so fragile
I know I'm not perfect it so so clear
My imperfections hurt my so
If only I could be that Ideal

maybe things wouldn't have changed they way they did

Perfect drug

Perfect drug


Looking back at everything
I may feel a little,
Ashamed,
Regretful,
Horrible

But I feel as if
for every stumble I have had
For every mistake I made
For all the times I disappoint
And all the times I made you hurt
I would give everything I could to take it away

If I could I would rewind time
Do everything again right
Make sure everything is perfect
Just for you
But look at me just dreaming I suppose

I would take back every fight
Undo every mistake
And myself look past the common lazy way

I still feel connected
I still feel as if we are one
Every time we part I lose half my self

It seems like an addiction
I have the signs of withdrawal
Depression, anxiety, cravings
I can't stand the thought of losing you
I'd do anything to keep you
And I never want to be cured

I guess that's the problem
Being addicted to the perfect drug